Only Harry Shall Have Incredibly Timely Escapes
by Tezza1502
Summary: What would you do, as the world ends? Who would you save? Who would you leave? Who would you kill? And would magic make survival easier? Or harder? Harry is going to find out, one way or the other.
1. A double-tap, to put it to rest

**O**nly **H**arry **S**hall **H**ave **I**ncredibly **T**imely **E**scapes

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: Not sure _**I **_want to put my name to this, so J. K. Rowling definitely wouldn't. Just to be sure, 'Harry Potter' and the associated universe that comes with him _**ain't mine**_.

Notes: #SIGH# Anyone who has ever tried to get their Muse to inspire them on a specific fic will understand how frustrated I am that a few chapters of _this _popped into my head, when I was after some inspiration for 'The Power He Knows Not Is' instead!

As has become the norm with me, updates will be probably quite sporadic. Tag it and release, kids!

Complete and utter parody, combining HP and, well, you'll find out. Expect blood, violence, drug use, death, and inappropriate situations. Oddly enough, expect some humour, as well.

Prologue will be set a bit into sixth year, and will rewind back to in between fifth and sixth year in CH1.

* * *

PROLOGUE- A double-tap, to put it to rest…

In a quiet corner of a park, near the street called Privet Drive, two people appeared suddenly out of nowhere with barely a pop of displaced air.

"Exactly _why _did you feel the need to revisit this place, mister Potter?" The shorter of the two travellers by half enquired as he raised the wand in his hand and turned on his heel three hundred and sixty degrees. Satisfied that there was no-one obviously nearby, he turned back to his travelling companion and awaited an answer to his question. "From what I have gathered, you were done with this place when the Order extracted you early in the summer."

"…are you sure you want to hear it, Professor?" Harry Potter asked, finally meeting the eye of his former teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "It's not really a nice reason."

"I'm part goblin by birth, mister Potter. While I have not embraced much about my father's side of my ancestry, I do understand the need for closure, and the desire to be sure that the filth that raised you are actually dead, and can no longer haunt you anywhere but in your memories." Fillius Flitwick replied evenly.

Harry blinked. He had never actually given much thought to the circumstances that gave life to the diminutive professor next to him. He was so unfailingly cheerful at school, whether in class, the great hall, or out and about in the castle, that it was hard to believe that a darkness of the type he had just alluded to, lay in his youth.

Harry snorted to himself. He was one to talk, wasn't he? He knew exactly what it was to hide your pain, your past, and put on a mirrored mask to show the world what it wanted to see. _'I imagine by the time I reach Flitwick's age, I'll have perfected it, too. If I manage to get that old, of course.'_

"Thank you, professor. For understanding, and for not trying to preach about the 'evils' of holding a grudge." Harry answered aloud while he looked uncomfortably at the front door of number four.

Fillius reached out and touched a hand to Harry's arm in a brief gesture of comfort. "While I still have a great amount of respect for Albus, I am not blind to his foibles. His overwhelming need to ensure that the most evil of us received every chance to redeem themselves, no matter the cost to the innocent, is among the worst of them." He grimaced as he stared at the movement he could see within the Dursley residence. "The dark lord would, once he found out about your relatives, collect them and confront you with them at every opportunity. You can not afford the distraction in the heat of future battles. It is a tactically sound decision to deny your enemy that opportunity." He nodded firmly. "Now, let us see what we will see in this place, then begin our search for the other survivors of Hogwarts."

Harry sighed loudly, before trying to find the mindset within himself that had allowed him to survive his life so far. Hunching his shoulders and drawing his wand, he marched across the road towards number four and cautiously looked in through the front window.

"Living room's a mess. Signs of a struggle, and I think I can see a leg poking out from behind the sofa. No Lurcher's or MI's in sight."

Flitwick nodded. "Seeing as we haven't seen any of them lurking about outside, its likely they have moved on to bloodier pastures elsewhere."

Harry grinned tightly at that bit of gallows humour.

"You are the most familiar with this house, mister Potter. What is our safest point of entry?"

Harry thought for a moment. "'Round the back, through the kitchen door. Plenty of windows to see in, and we'll be able to spread out once we're through the door, so we won't be trapped in a hallway if it goes to hell."

"Its already gone to hell, mister Potter, but I agree with your reasoning. Lead on." Fillius finished with a gesture as he drew his own wand.

* * *

Cautiously making their way to the rear of the house, Harry kept an eye on the windows, checking for any movement that would indicate that anyone inside was aware of their presence. Reaching the back door, he nodded at Fillius before gently pushing the slightly ajar door open all the way. Leading with his wand, he walked inside and stepped left, allowing Fillius to enter behind him. Scanning the room, he noted the stench of rotting meat that hung in the air and winced. At least one of his relatives was still in the house, though in what state was yet to be determined.

Listening at the doorway that led to the laundry for a moment, he nodded to his companion that there was no-one that way. Fillius nodded back that the pantry and dining room seemed to be clear as well. Harry came over and quickly whispered that the dining room opened into the living room, and that he should go that way while Harry entered from the kitchen. With a nod, they separated.

Harry glanced quickly into the hallway. Seeing it was clear, he tip-toed along the hall, past the cupboard under the stairs, listened for a moment at the bottom of the stairway to make sure that no-one was upstairs, and then leant around the entry to get a proper look into the living room. And grimaced.

Vernon Dursley was lying, quite obviously dead, on the living room floor. From the splatter and gore that was sprayed about the room, he had died neither quickly, nor painlessly. The wreckage of the various nick-knacks his wife, Petunia Dursley, had gathered over the years were strewn everywhere. The sofa was the only piece of furniture in the room that was still upright. Vernon's shotgun was still clutched in his right hand, a cartridge jammed haphazardly in the barrel, while the rest of the ammunition was scattered about what was left of his body. The smell of putrefying meat, odorous gasses vacating Vernon's bloated corpse as it rotted, and the faint tang of burnt gunpowder hung heavy in the unventilated confines of the house.

While the smell was almost enough to cause Harry to vomit, it was the sound finally pushed him over the edge. The sound of human teeth ripping meat away from the bone. The sound of skin tearing as it was jerked away from barely resisting flesh.

Turning away, Harry retched noisily in the hallway. Spitting out the bile in his mouth, Harry swore at his weakness as he quickly brought his attention back to the other occupant of the living room. "Fuckety-fuck-fuck!"

Petunia Dursley looked up from her husband's corpse, dropped the bit of forearm she had been gnawing on, and sniffed the air. Almost daintily, she wiped her bloody face on her cardigan to better allow her to smell, and took another deep breath. Twitching her head from side to side, she continued to inhale deeply as her damaged brain tried to decipher the input her disease-ravaged sense of smell was sending her.

"Ah shit, here we go again." Harry grunted as the gaunt, emaciated face of his aunt lit up. Running a desiccated tongue over cracked, peeling lips that were coated with the flesh and blood of her late husband, Petunia rose to her feet with a jerky grace and turned in Harry's direction. He saw that Vernon had managed to shoot his infected wife at least once, if the loop of charred intestine that flopped out of her stomach through her cardigan as she stood was any indication.

As she started to move towards him, he slowly backed out of the room, and into the hallway, not losing sight of her. Still walking backwards, he kept his wand pointed in her direction as she followed him, tip lit with a spell. As she stepped into the hallway and turned to face Harry, she lurched forward, as if to begin running towards him.

However, just as she was about to take her first step, a violet curse came from behind her in the living room and threw her into the wall, blowing most of her right arm and shoulder off in the process.

Harry, safely beyond the reach of the splatter of blood that followed the detonation of his aunt's upper body, kept his wand trained on her body. His caution was rewarded when she tried to get to her feet again, either ignoring or not noticing the massive amount of damage that had just been inflicted upon her.

Just as she managed to get to her knees, a second violet curse came from the living room and impacted on the back of her head, pulping her skull and spraying its contents liberally over the wall.

"Nice shot, professor." Harry said, finally lowering his wand.

Flitwick entered the hallway and grimaced down at what used to be a human being. "Not really, mister Potter. My first curse was low. It only temporarily incapacitated her, instead of ending the threat of her outright." He sighed. "These 'lurchers' are a good deal harder to kill than a normal human. They are capable of ignoring a great amount of normally lethal damage."

Harry nodded. "Yeah. Head-shots seem to be the way to go, with these things. Otherwise they'll still crawl after you." Looking from what was left of his aunt, to what had not yet been consumed of his uncle, Harry was at a loss. Was he supposed to feel sad? Relieved? Ecstatic? Horrified? What?

He finally settled on relieved, for the moment. They were both dead. They couldn't harm him any more, nor could they be used against him, later. That part of his life was finally over. He could move on…

"Shit!"

Flitwick looked up sharply. "What?"

"Dudley." With that, Harry raised his wand and raced up the stairs to see if his cousin was in that part of the house. Flitwick rolled his eyes at 'impetuous bloody Gryffindor's', and followed Harry up the stairs.

* * *

After a quick search of the second floor of the house, and a five minute lecture from Flitwick about not blindly charging off on his own, as it could get him dead very quickly, Harry gave Dudley's room one last quick search, before sitting on his own bed to think.

"Is it likely that he managed to hide, or escape to safety?" Flitwick asked from the doorway.

"I really don't know." Harry shrugged. "He's not much smarter than Crabbe or Goyle, in all honesty. That said, he's managed to hide what he gets up to with his gang from his parents, and the police. And I'm talking drugs, vandalism, violent bullying, and not so petty theft. If he managed to realise what was actually happening in time, he might just have possessed enough rat cunning to survive for a while." He shook his head and stood up.

"Whatever happened to him, he's not here. And I really don't care enough anymore to want to waste time chasing all over London looking for him. I've…we've got bigger fish… to… fry…" Harry sputtered out as he felt a tingling sensation rise up through him from his feet to the top of his head. "What was that?" He shouted in surprise.

Flitwick rushed to a window, and for the first time Harry could remember, swore openly, in English. "That, mister Potter, was the feeling of anti-apparition wards going up." Another trickling sensation rose through them both. "And that would be an anti-portkey ward."

Harry joined him at the window. "And there are the lurchers we were wondering about." He nodded at the large crowd of swaying, lurching people coming down the street towards them. "Oh crap! Do you see it?"

Flitwick frowned. "Indeed. They are not straying, or wandering off, or getting distracted. They are remarkably focused, and all of them are looking in this direction. _He_ is here."

"Then we shouldn't be." Harry stated. "C'mon. Gred and Forge left me some stuff that should buy us time to find the ward boundary. Knowing Tommy-boy, he'll keep the MI's close to him, and let this lot wear us down fighting. That said, I wouldn't put it past him to seed a few amongst them.""

"Agreed." Observing the shuffling crowd coming towards them for a moment longer, Flitwick turned away and began heading downstairs. "Which way should we go?"

"Hold up a moment." Harry ran briefly into the other rooms and looked out those windows before joining Flitwick at the top of the stairs. "We can't run for it. The streets surrounding here are filled with lurchers." He looked his companion up and down briefly. "How are you on a broom, professor?" He asked, withdrawing a school broom out of a bottomless pouch on his belt, along with his firebolt.

"It's been a decade or two, but I think I can manage." He grimaced as he took the offered broom from Harry. "However, I doubt that the dark lord will just let us fly away. While the MI's do not possess much deliberate magic any more, they are quite able to summon things to them. To say nothing of what the dark lord is capable of if he see's us."

"True." Harry agreed as he smirked for the first time in quite a while. "But like I said, the twins left me some stuff."

* * *

The lurchers had reached the house, and had begun trying to break down the doors to make their way inside, before Harry and Flitwick made a hole in the ceiling and climbed through to the roof. Looking carefully over the edge, Harry dropped half a dozen Decoy Detonators over the side. As the little explosive noise makers multiplied exponentially before they scurried into corners and detonated, he set off a few more smoke bombs to distract and confuse any MI's in the crowd as they kicked off the roof and flew the brooms away.

'_So far, so good.'_ Harry thought as they flew just below the height of the surrounding houses, trying to stay out of sight of Voldemort, if he was nearby. Flitwick pointed towards a thick knot of black cloaks with silver masks just as the sinewy figure into middle of them started flinging curses their way.

Easily avoiding the spells, Harry and Flitwick banked hard and flew off in the opposite direction of Voldemort, quickly gaining altitude. Harry was just starting to think that this could be the easiest escape from Voldemort he had ever been a part of, when a panicked shout from behind him pulled him up short.

Turning back, he saw that a trio of black cloaks had managed to somehow pool their available power, and summon Flitwick off his broom towards them.

Swearing loudly, Harry spun around, before pulling up short and clutching the scar on his forehead. Through the pain, he managed to see something approaching him that made his eyes go wide in surprise and shock.

Voldemort was somehow flying towards him on a black cloud of magic.

"Harry Potter! Did you really think that I would not know about your relatives? Or that you would be weak enough to come back for them? I set a ward upon that house. As soon as magic was used within it, I would be informed." He laughed cruelly. "And you so considerately obliged me by lingering here until I arrived." He sneered. "You shall not escape my wrath this time." The dark lord hissed loudly at him as he began casting killing curses at the teen. "You will fall before me, just like Hogwarts has. Just like the Ministry of Magic has." He floated in front of Harry and gestured around himself. "Just like the rest of this world has."

"Good idea." Harry hissed through clenched teeth, before throwing himself into a Wronski Feint and plummeting to the ground in a bid to put some distance between himself and the dark lord trying to kill him.

* * *

Meanwhile, Flitwick had managed to turn himself in mid-air after he had been summoned off his broom, and began firing reducto's at the MI's that were summoning him towards themselves. Pulping two out of the three before he had to magically arrest his own momentum to ensure he survived the landing, he bounced to his feet and cast a wide ring of Fiendfyre.

Casting a bubblehead charm upon himself, he began exploding the heads of everything that lurched through the magical fire he had surrounded himself with. "Come on, mister Potter. It is getting uncomfortably hot in here." He muttered to himself as he banished another lurcher back through the wall of fire.

* * *

Harry, having managed to gain enough distance from Voldemort to start thinking clearly again, made his way back to where Flitwick fell in the hope that the professor had managed to keep himself alive. Seeing the ring of Fiendfyre, he breathed a sigh of relief and flew over.

Stopping high over Flitwick's position, Harry borrowed a page out of the MI's book, and summoned the professor up to him. Dipping the broom as his companion reached his level, Harry reached out and pulled him onto the back of the broom. "Hold on tight, professor!" He shouted as he accelerated away from a rapidly approaching dark lord.

Clutching Harry's robes tightly, Flitwick risked a look over his shoulder to see a snarling Voldemort starting to catch up to them. "What now, Harry? He's gaining on us."

"Grab this!" Harry shouted over his shoulder as he thrust a long, knobbly firework into the professor's hands. "Point it directly at Voldie. When the tip glows green, pull the string and let go."

Flitwick did as instructed. He pointed it directly at a suddenly wary Voldemort, waited until the tip glowed, pulled the string, and dropped it.

It fell away from them, and behind the dark lord, sputtering weakly.

Seeing Voldemort sneer and raise his wand, Flitwick clutched at Harry. "Nothing happened!"

Harry actually turned and directed at Flitwick such a cheeky grin that the professor thought he was looking at James Potter for a moment. "Wait for it!"

Voldemort was just drawing his arm back to start flinging the killing curse at the two fleeing from his wrath, when suddenly an almighty roar came from behind him. Turning, he saw a dragon made entirely of flames heading for him, mouth wide open.

Blinking with astonishment at the unexpected sight, he gathered himself and sent a contemptuous 'finite' at the construct. Contempt soon turned to shocked annoyance when the construct split into three as his spell impacted. Before he could send another spell at it, the three flaming dragons were upon him.

Flitwick watched in astonishment as three firework dragons began attacking and harassing the dark lord. Every spell Voldemort threw that impacted on one of the constructs immediately caused that dragon to multiply. As they finally cleared the edge of the anti-transportation wards, Flitwick's last sight of the spectacle was of about fifteen dragons all attempting to burn and eat the dark lord.

* * *

"What was that?" He asked as Harry landed on top of an apartment block.

"That, was an improved version of the Weasleys' Wildfire Whiz-bangs." Harry was still grinning as he stuffed his Firebolt back into his bottomless pouch. "The tip has a targeting component to it. When you pointed it at Voldie and it glowed green, it locked on to him with a tracking charm. Until he manages to dispel _that_, they'll keep chasing him 'til the magic gives out. Unfortunately, the more he splits them, the faster they'll burn out. So, we have at best maybe five minutes." Harry reached in to his bag and pulled out a small hoop. "So, turn that into a portkey, please, and get us the hell out of here. 'Cause Voldie's really gonna be pissed if he catches us today."

One highly uncomfortable twisting sensation later, and Harry and Flitwick were far from London. Booby trapping the portkey with another uncomfortable Weasley prank, (just in case Voldemort managed to trace the portkey) they apparated away.

A couple of jumps later, and Flitwick was reasonably assured that they were safely away. Setting up a magical tent, Flitwick then handed Harry his wand.

"Professor?" Harry looked at the wand in his hand, confused.

"I was down on the ground, amongst those horrors. They were burning to ash on all sides. Even though I had placed a bubblehead charm upon myself, we are still not completely sure if the infection can be transmitted by anything other than a bite, or blood." Flitwick smiled wanly at the concerned expression on Harry's face. "I believe that both of us will be more at ease if we stay here for a bit, and see whether I am infected. Two hours, I think, should be enough time to know for sure."

Harry nodded slowly as the professor wandered over to a nearby tree, sat down under it, and closed his eyes to meditate. Conjuring himself a chair, Harry sat down and faced in his companions direction, Flitwick's wand in his left hand, his own in his right.

Trying to relax after such an emotionally draining day, Harry distracted himself with thinking back to how all this had started…

**-End of Chapter-**

* * *

Notes: Next chapter will be called 'It Began With A Dream…'

Naturally, we are going to jump backwards in time, to find out why Harry is where he is now, and in the company of Flitwick.

As you might have guessed, this is going to be something of a Harry Potter/Generic Zombie crossover. Blood. Violence. Indiscriminate death. All the usual fun things that go hand in hand with zombies.


	2. It Began With a Dream

**O**nly **H**arry **S**hall **H**ave **I**ncredibly **T**imely **E**scapes

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter. Honest and for true!

Notes: Stepping back in time a bit from last chapter, to see where it all started…

Oh, and _**No**_, I do not promote or encourage underage drinking, nor drug taking. (Because if I don't explicitly mention that, _someone _will climb up on their soapbox, and whinge about it. Without a doubt. Because _some _people are like that, no matter what common sense dictates…)

* * *

CHAPTER 1- It began with a dream…

**Malfoy Manor. Just after the end of Harry****'****s fifth year at Hogwarts.**

_The Death Eaters nervously shuffled around the main hall of the Malfoy manor. Voldemort had called every marked follower he had available to him two hours ago, and all he had done so far was stare at them silently, with a malevolent contempt._

_A disturbance at the entrance to the large room caused the dark lord's eyes to flick in that direction._

_"Ah. Severus. The old fool has finally seen fit to allow you to respond to my summons."_

_Severus Snape, Head of Slytherin House at Hogwarts, Potions master, and spy for both Dumbledore and Voldemort, carefully hid a grimace behind his Occlumency shields. His dark mark had started burning painfully a few hours ago, and had only stopped once he had passed the threshold of the Malfoy wards. "My Lord." He bowed deeply as he stood in front of one of his masters._

_With a negligent wave of his wand hand, Voldemort dismissed him to his place within the ranks of his inner circle. He then stood and cast his gaze over all his servants._

_Several of them shuddered behind their black robes and silver masks. The dark lord's glare held even more contempt than before, if it was possible._

_"I have been reviewing the actions of my followers, these past few months." He started without preamble. "Since the failure of those who were supposed to be my most skilled followers at the Department of Mysteries, to wrest a prophecy from the hands of mere children," He snarled, looking directly at Bellatrix Lestrange, the only follower of his to actually escape from that fiasco, "I have been re-examining the general usefulness of you who have put yourselves in my service, trying to decide whether… changes… are in order, to boost your general level of competency."_

_Now, shuffling and subtle glances were exchanged amongst those death eaters who had survived in the dark lord's service for the decades before his defeat by Harry Potter. The last time the dark lord got it into his mind to start experimenting on his followers, it was with the idea of enhancing his minions mentally._

_Crabbe and Goyle had been amongst his most cunning and inventive followers until that month in 1976. Now, they were so stupid, they had to pick each other's noses because they couldn't cross their eyes enough to be able to line up their fingers with their own nostrils. Whatever had been done to them had also been passed along do their children, if Lucius' reports from his son at Hogwarts were to be believed._

_"Ah, I see some of you remember my efforts to improve the versatility of my followers during the seventies." He grinned forebodingly. "Good. Then you will understand something of what is to come."_

_With a lightning-fast lunge, Voldemort grabbed the nearest death eater and stabbed his wand at the unfortunate wight's dark mark…_

* * *

**4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging.**

Harry woke up suddenly. Blinking, he gradually realised that he was not an insane mass-murderer who was about to genetically molest his marked followers while nursing wood. He was, in fact, a teenage boy, trapped at his relatives home while all of his friends got to actually enjoy their summer holidays.

And nursing wood.

"Please tell me that I did not get a hard on from watching Voldemort poke a random death eater with his wand." He giggled, paused, and grimaced. "And I have been stuck here alone for _way _too long, if I'm starting to find thoughts like that even remotely funny."

Putting his glasses on as he stood in the bare room his relatives grudgingly allowed him to occupy, Harry tried to remember what he had seen in Voldemort's mind through their shared link.

"Okay. Voldie's got all his minions with him in a room somewhere. And he's… going to experiment on them? Something about improving them to a point beyond being inbred purebloods?" He snorted as he wrote down his thoughts. "Yeah, good luck with that." Harry sniggered as he thought of the purebloods he knew personally that were in the dark lord's service. Almost to a man, they were somewhat… lacking… in the brains department. And while the women were generally smarter, more than a few of them were also somewhat _quirky_, in various ways.

The purebloods he knew that _weren__'__t _death eaters were almost as odd.

Finishing his task, he rolled the parchment and went over to where his owl, Hedwig, was perched near the window. "You up for a flight, sweetie?" He asked blearily.

Hedwig barked what Harry took to be an affirmative.

"Right-o! Have a nice flight, and make sure you leave a dropping somewhere in his office that's hard to find." This was something Harry usually asked of his owl whenever he had a message for her to send to Dumbledore this summer. If the old fart was going to leave him in the shit every summer with his relatives, then Harry figured that a bit of turnabout was fair play.

Watching Hedwig fly into the night, and wishing that he was capable of doing the same, Harry finally sighed and climbed back into bed. Reaching under his bed, he felt along the inside of the bed frame until he found what he was looking for. A plastic zip-lock bag filled with what looked like hand-rolled cigarette's.

Withdrawing a thickly packed rolled up piece of paper, Harry lit one end of it with his lighter. Sucking in the sweet smoke, he smirked as he thought about the fact that Dudley really shouldn't get so stoned on a regular basis. Neither should he mumble out loud about the positions of his various stashes around number four, Privet Drive, when Harry was within earshot.

"He might be a fat prick with all the manners of a flobberworm, but he definitely knows where to score good quality weed." Harry exhaled and waved the joint in Dudley's general direction as a vague salute.

* * *

A few days later, early in the morning, Vernon Dursley opened his front door to find a motley collection of freaks on his doorstep. "What in the-" Was all he had time to shout before he was summarily bound with ropes and levitated back inside his own house.

Petunia barely had time to shriek as her husband floated backwards into the living room, followed by a half dozen wizards. She soon found herself in a similar predicament.

"Right! I'll mind these two idiots." Alastor 'Mad-eye' Moody stated as he stomped into the room, the claws on his false leg leaving great gashes in the carpet as he went. "Tonks! Lupin! Get Potter. Kingsley. Arthur. Diggle. Your with me. Watch the windows."

Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin headed up the stairs to Harry's room as the other four settled in downstairs.

"He's gonna be so surprised when we rock in there and tell him he's getting out of here early." Tonks chortled gleefully.

"Indeed." Lupin agreed. "I just wish we could have sent a note ahead to warn him we were coming."

"I know. But, Dumbledore said that the less people know about this, the safer it'll be. I mean, with all that weird stuff about what the death eaters can do now…" She shuddered. "Better safe than sorry, I think."

"True." Remus agreed softly as he knocked on Harry's door. "Harry? It's Remus Lupin. We're here to take you to Grimmauld Place a little early this year."

"Wha-" The sound of stumbling could be heard through the door, as well as the clink of a half-empty bottle being kicked across the floor. "Effing thing get outa the way…" Finally the door swung open. "What're you two doing here?" Harry slurred as he looked at them through bleary eyes.

"Hi Harry, we're here to-" Tonks' chirpy voice faded into silence as she took in the sight and scent of The-Boy-Who-Lived. "…are you drunk?"

"Maybe?" Harry glared at her through the pain of his hangover. "What? You don't think I suffer through my summers with these people _sober_, do you?" He slurred.

"…how long have you been doing this?" Remus asked, utterly shocked at what he was seeing and hearing.

"Since I came back after my second year, I think." He muttered, scratching his chin in thought. "I usually have a few days notice before you lot spring me, so I can sober up in peace."

"Where do you get the booze from?"

"Nick it off my dear uncle Vernon."

"And he doesn't notice the level of his bottle going down?"

"Nah. I take note of how much of his scotch I drink, then pee in the bottle until it's back to its normal level."

Both Tonks and Remus went a little green at hearing that.

"What? I've been taking shit from him for years! 'Bout time he took the piss from me for a bit." Harry snorted. "Besides his palate's about as sophisticated as Ron's. I doubt he'd ever notice if no-one told him."

Shaking himself out of his growing nausea, Remus resumed explaining why they were there. "We need to get you packed and ready to leave, Harry. Dumbledore has decided that it isn't safe for you here anymore."

"Why?" Harry interrupted.

Tonks sighed. "We'll explain later, kiddo. Right now, we gotta leg it back to HQ."

"Again, why?" Harry repeated in growing annoyance. "I've been begging that old wanker for years to get me out of here permanently, and _now _he decides all of a sudden to parole me early?" He narrowed his eyes at the both of them. "What's changed?"

Remus sighed. "Nothing you need to worry about, Harry. Now, go on and pack, so we can get going."

Harry shrugged and scratched himself inappropriately. "Well, if there's nothing to worry about, then I'm going back to bed. Come back in a week." He yawned and started to shut the door on their faces.

"We don't have time for this." Tonks shoved the door open and reached for Harry impatiently, only to pull up short when he shoved the lit tip of his wand that he'd had hidden behind the door between her eyes.

"Tonks," Harry glared at her through bloodshot eyes, "I have just had a truly bad year at Hogwarts, which ended with the death of my godfather. I have been drinking rather heavily to blot out that fact, the last couple of weeks. As such, I am extremely hung over this morning, and am in a bad mood as a result. Then _you lot _show up, bang on my door loud enough to wake the neighbours three streets over, demanding that I follow you back to another of Dumbledore's prisons with no warning and less explanation. I also thoroughly dislike being manhandled, by _anyone_." He punctuated that fact with a growl. "Which means that _you _are in a very bad place right now, Tonks. Now, one of you start explaining, or I start casting."

Remus, upon seeing the look in Harry's eyes, found himself stuck in a flashback to one of the times he had witnessed Sirius Black trying to wake a very drunk Lily Evans, and the carnage that had ensued. So, Tonks was on her own. She gulped, and started blabbering everything she knew.

"Dumbledore received intelligence from a secret source earlier this week that You-Know-Who had done something to his Death Eaters. We did a bit of digging, and found that he has altered them somehow. Wards don't stop them. Lethal spells don't seem to work anymore. Their ferocity has been amplified a huge amount. And…they seem to be…_infecting_…anyone they come into contact with, somehow. The one's they leave alive, that is. We don't know how, but they are able to pass on whatever You-Know-Who has done to them."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "And…"

"And, since they can no longer be stopped by wards, Dumbledore wants you moved to another location. He doesn't want to take the chance of a death eater at the ministry bribing someone for your address. Right now, they could literally waltz through the wards here, take you, and present you to the dark lord. So, you won't be coming back here. Ever." Tonks shrugged helplessly, her eyes still fixed on the wand pointed at her head. "That's it. That's all I know."

Harry grunted and lowered his wand. "There, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" With that, he turned and started packing his meagre amount of belongings into his school trunk.

Tonks exhaled explosively, and turned to her companion. "Fat lot of good _you _were!" She grumbled as she smacked a still-dazed Remus behind the head.

"_Call off the biting nipples, Lily, I__'__ll be good!_" He screamed in terror. Blinking, he looked around. "Where's Harry?"

"Packing." Tonks replied sheepishly. "I, uh, kinda spilled everything Dumbledore told us while he had me at wand point."

"_Tonks!_" Remus shouted.

"_What?_" Tonks shouted back. "You were off in lolly-land, and I was staring down the length of a wand that has successfully fought You-Know-Who! What was I supposed to do?"

"Flash your tits at me?" Harry asked hopefully as he dragged his now packed trunk over to them.

The two Order members gaped at Harry.

"I guarantee you, they would have distracted me quite thoroughly."

"Maybe next time." Tonks mumbled as she got over her shock. "Y'know, I don't ever remember you being this cheeky."

"Give me time to sober up, an' I'll go back to being emo-Harry." He shrugged. "Now, how are you lot getting me to wherever we're going? 'Cause I doubt I'm up to flying at the moment."

"Alastor has a portkey downstairs." Remus supplied.

"Oh yay. Mad-eye's in the same room as my relatives. This aught to be a hoot." Harry shuddered as he made his way past Tonks and Remus towards the stairs.

The two adults watched him pass between them, before Tonks turned to Remus. "'Biting Nipples?'"

Remus blushed. "Lily was a mean and creative drunk when given cause. And she was even worse when she was hung over. The Marauder's endured that little personality quirk on more than one occasion." He shuddered. "Considering the glare he was giving us when you reached for him, I'd rather not find out the hard way that Harry could have inherited that trait, along with the colour of her eyes."

* * *

Harry dragged his trunk down the stairs to the living room, to find four wizards glaring at the Dursleys, who seemed to have aggravated at least one of them, because they were now stuck to the roof with ball-gags in their mouths. "Okay, what did I miss?"

"Harry! Wonderful to see you." Arthur Weasley came over, put his hands on Harry's shoulders, and gave him a thorough looking over. Being an experienced father, he didn't really like what he saw. "Are you hung over?"

"Extremely." Harry nodded. "Are we ready to go?"

"Harry?" Arthur spoke quietly again. "_Why _are you hung over?"

"Because I've spent the whole time since the end of school drunk and stoned, and I didn't get a message that you lot were showing up."

With the patience and fortitude that only comes from marrying a woman that thought she had Merlin's blessing to loudly inflict her opinion on everyone that came into her presence, and raising seven boisterous magical children, Arthur kept asking questions. "Why were you drinking and, er, 'stoning', in the first place?"

"Because I have a _lot _of things that I _really _want to avoid thinking about for as long as possible, and there's not much else to do here that won't get me thrown into Azkaban." Harry rolled his eyes. "Look, I've been told that your all in a rush to get me out of here. So lets get on with it, shall we?"

"Aye, lets get on with it." Mad-eye growled as he fished around in his pocket for the portkey, his magical eye never leaving the suspended Dursleys. Pulling out a length of rope, he held it out for everyone to grab on to.

"Just out of curiosity, what are you going to do with them?" Harry pointed a thumb at his relatives, who were making the portion of the roof they were stuck to sag alarmingly.

"Tonks and I are going to stay behind, and try to explain the danger they are now in, and convince them to move somewhere else." Remus said as the two of them entered the room.

Harry looked incredulously from Remus, up to the Dursleys, and back. "You are _so _going to give me the memory of that conversation to watch later." He was about to take the rope, when he snapped his fingers and popped the lid of his trunk open. "Wait. I'm not coming back here, right? Ever!"

"No, laddie. It's not safe anymore." Moody answered. _'__If it ever was.__' _He grunted internally.

"Excellent!" Harry drawled as he rummaged in his trunk. "Here we go." He exclaimed as he pulled a nearly full bottle of very expensive scotch out, and walked over to Vernon's alcohol cabinet in the corner of the room. "Nearly forgot to return this."

"Is that…?" Remus groaned, losing a bit of colour in his face.

"Ya-huh."

"When did you…?" Tonks asked, looking queasy.

"When you two were arguing upstairs while I emptied my room."

"Are you…?" Remus choked back a bit of bile at the thought of alcohol being violated the way Harry had done to that bottle of twenty-year-old, single-malt scotch.

"Tell him? Mmmm-nah! Why spoil the surprise?" He shrugged as he put the bottle back where he had gotten it from.

"Oh Merlin, get him out of here!" Tonks pleaded to Moody.

"What's the fuss about a bottle of scotch, lass?" Mad-eye wanted to know.

"Later. _Please! _Just get Harry away from here." Remus begged as he slammed Harry's trunk shut, shrunk it, and stuffed it in the teen's pocket.

Moody frowned, but decided to let it go. Whatever it was, it sounds like the Dursleys deserved it. "Right, lad. Grab on." He offered the frayed end of the rope to Harry, who took hold reluctantly.

"This is gonna suck." He winced as the portkey activated.

Remus and Tonks watched as the group was twirled away.

"Man, I hope someone's pretty quick with their _scourify_ spells when that lot arrive. Portkeying with alcohol in your system does not make for a 'clean' landing." Tonks commented as they turned to release and try to reason with the Dursleys.

"Mm-hmm." Remus agreed. "_Almost _makes me glad that we'll be here when they land."

Tonks giggled. "Hope Dumbles thinks to take a step back when they arrive."

* * *

**The Burrow.**

When the whirling vortex finally threw the group at their intended destination, Harry barely noticed that they were in the Weasley kitchen. "Yeah, that sucked." He groaned as his stomach churned dangerously.

Dumbledore, resplendent in his normal, eye-wateringly colourful robes, moved forward to steady Harry. "Harry my boy, are you-"

"BLLLUUUUUUURRRRKK!"

Dumbledore looked down in horror as his favourite visiting robes suddenly gained a bit more colour than they'd possessed before he'd left Hogwarts.

"YEEUUUUUURRRRRGGG!"

Dumbledore's horror grew as Harry managed to hit the bottom four inches of the headmaster's beard that time.

When Harry looked like he was going to vomit a third time, Dumbledore finally took a step backwards to take himself out of range.

Staggering over to the kitchen sink, Harry rinsed his mouth out with a glass of water and spat the foul taste out. "Note to self; don't _ever _portkey again while recovering from a binge." Reaching into his pocket, he removed a couple of white pills and popped them into his mouth, washing them down with another glass of water. "That should take the edge off." He sighed.

"What did you just swallow, Harry?" Arthur asked.

Harry blinked as he finally started to process where he actually was. "Muggle paracetamol, Mr. Weasley. To help with the raging headache I've got right now."

"Why do you need them? If you have a headache, I've got some potion here that can take care of that for you easily." Mrs. Weasley said from the doorway.

Harry scratched the back of his head. "Well, I figured that once you found out that the reason I've got a headache is because its actually a hangover,"

"WHAT?" The shout came from those who hadn't realised Harry had been drunk at the Dursleys.

"-you would make me suffer through the after affects, 'to teach me a lesson about the evils of drinking', or some such stupidity." He finished with a roll of his eyes.

Dumbledore, having finished applying the necessary cleaning charms to his robes, and vanishing the bottom six inches of his beard, asked Harry why he had been drinking at the Dursleys.

"Why do people keep asking me that? Isn't it obvious?" Harry ran a hand over his face tiredly. "Look. I'm still hung over, tired, annoyed, and several other things. All I want to do is sleep. How about you let me do that, an' then I'll see about answering your questions."

Stunned, Arthur directed Harry upstairs, telling him that he would be bunking in with Ron again. As Harry made his way upstairs, he passed more Order members than he had ever seen in one place before, but was too tired to think about asking why they were all there.

Finally, he make it to Ron's room, and stumbled inside. With a sigh of pure relief, he toppled face first onto the mattress and buried his face in the pillow. Ron, Ginny and the twins, who had been following him upstairs silently, piled into the room.

"So, Harry?" George said.

"A quick question," Fred continued.

"Before you pass out." George finished.

"Make it quick, guys, I'm about to crash. And unshrink that while your at it." Harry mumbled as he pulled his trunk out of his pocket and dropped it over the edge of the bed.

George poked the miniature trunk with his wand while Fred spoke again.

"Why did you puke on the headmaster when you first arrived?"

Harry struggled to turn his head to face them all. "Apparently, booze and portkey's don't mix."

"And the second time?" George continued.

"'Cause I missed his beard with the first volley?"

The red-heads all sniggered at that. "We'll talk when you wake up, mate." Ron said. "Pleasant dreams." He waved as they all exited the room, the twins placing silencing spells on the door.

"Finally." Harry groaned as he closed his eyes.

**-END OF CHAPTER-**


	3. I'm a Mushroom, Didn't You Know?

**O**nly **H**arry **S**hall **H**ave **I**ncredibly **T**imely **E**scapes

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: I'm flattered if you think so, but I do not actually own Harry Potter.

Notes: Harry finds out a bit about what's going on…

* * *

CHAPTER 2 - I'm a mushroom, didn't you know?

When Harry next opened his eyes, the sun was quite low in the sky over the Weasley's land, and heading lower. Sitting up, he groped around for his glasses. Putting them on, he saw the pitcher of water someone had left beside his bed, and poured himself a glass. Draining that one, and another two after it to wash down some more painkillers, he finally was awake enough to start thinking.

'_Okay, I didn__'__t do anything really embarrassing this morning, other than speak my mind, so I should be clear on that front.__' _Harry didn't count vomiting on the headmaster's robes amongst the embarrassing stuff. It was a running joke at Hogwarts that Dumbledore's wardrobe choices were nausea-inducing. Quite a few of his fellow students would actually be jealous of his chunky outburst this morning. _'__The old man, heck, _most _of them will be annoyed and curious as to why I drink at the Dursleys. Since I__'__m apparently not going back there, I don__'__t have to bite my tongue about how they treat me. While their __'__intervention__'__ at King__'__s Cross _seemed_ to work when we got off the Hogwarts Express, I wouldn__'__t bet the contents of my Gringotts vault that it would have lasted the whole summer. And once I tell the Order a bit more about how they__'__ve treated me, I can imagine a few of them wanting to __'__sort__'__ the Dursley__'__s out. Which would have eventually come back on me, with interest, if I was going back there at some point.__'_

Shuddering, Harry continued to think.

'_So, let them prattle on for a bit, then ask about the death eaters. If its as big as they are making out, then that should distract them away from my summer habits quite nicely.__'_

With a general plan of attack and evasion in place, Harry got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom to freshen up. That done, he headed downstairs.

-o-o-o-o-

"Evening, all." Harry said simply as he slipped into a seat at the end of the long table in the Weasley's kitchen. "How is everyone?"

"Harry!" The startled cry came from random people around the rest of the kitchen as they became aware of his presence.

Molly Weasley bustled over to where he was seated and stared down at him with a conflicted expression on her face, and her hands on her hips. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, young man, about the state you turned up here in?"

Harry twisted and looked up at her, and let some of how he had been feeling the past few weeks show on his face. "My friends almost died trying to help me that night in the ministry. My godfather _did _die, right in front of my eyes. Voldemort possessed me. And _everyone _decided that the _best _thing for me was to be abandoned, alone, for the summer to cope with all that on my own." He stared at her rapidly flushing face with a raised eyebrow. "Be thankful that drinking and smoking is _all _I did."

"Oh Harry." Molly let out a plaintive cry as she swept Harry into a long, smothering hug. Everyone else winced as they began to see recent events through Harry's eyes, and privately agreed that they'd probably take up drinking too, if they were stuck in those circumstances.

"Mrs. Weasley?" Hestia Jones said from the doorway. "You might want to wind up that hug. He's turning blue."

Molly glared at the impertinent female Auror until she realised that Harry was, indeed, struggling feebly within her grasp. "Oh." She gasped as she released the teen.

"Gaah! Air!"

"I'm sorry, Harry." Molly apologised, ignoring the snickers that were coming from the rest of the room. "I was just…oh you poor dear…going through all that…what were they thinking…"

"Mrs. Weasley?" Harry finally had enough oxygen in him to begin functioning properly again. "Could I have something to eat, please? Maybe a sandwich? I haven't had a proper meal since Hogwarts finished."

"What?"

"At all?"

"Didn't those muggles feed you?"

Various shouted questions came from the people in the room.

"Um, no. Or at least, very rarely." Harry sighed internally. _'__Time to inject some reality into what people think my life is like at the Dursleys.__'_

"They never wanted me there, you see. Right from the start, I was an unwanted burden to them. My aunt never liked my mother, mostly because mum was a witch I think, and they took that out on me. From the time I was dropped on their doorstep wrapped in nothing but a blanket and a note pinned to it, they have disliked my imposition on their lives, and shown that dislike at every opportunity. Heck, until my first letter from Hogwarts came along, my bedroom was a cupboard under the stairs."

Various oaths and curses flew around the room. Harry looked around, confused.

"Why are you all acting so shocked? I figured you all knew about it, and approved. After all, Dumbledore stuck me there in the first place, and _he _knew what went on there. I would have thought he'd have told you all about it. Plus. he's the one that's had people from the order watching and guarding me all this time. Surely they would have noticed something odd about how I was treated, and asked." He shrugged at the shocked expressions that were looking at him. "Meh. I don't have to go back there anymore, so forget it." He looked at Molly. "I'm not going back there, am I? I mean Tonks and Lupin said so, this morning. _He _wouldn't make me go back there, would he?"

"No dear. You won't be going back there, to those… people." Mrs. Weasley stated as she reached out and ran her finger's through the teen's hair soothingly. "Ever!"

Harry sagged slightly as some tension in his body drained away. "Thank you." He sighed. "Now, about that sandwich…"

-o-o-o-o-

As Harry silently ate his way through a tall stack of ham and cheese sandwiches, people began to filter back into the Burrow's kitchen, some of them vaguely familiar. He tried very hard not to sigh loudly and roll his eyes every time a new person came in the room, spotted him, and gasped as if they had walked in on Merlin sitting on the loo. By the time that reaction hit double-digits, he was seriously considering taking his plate and returning to bed for the duration.

"Hello, Harrykins!" A Weasley twin plonked down on a chair next to him, slapping him on the back as he did so.

"Enjoy your nap?" The other twin finished as Harry started choking on a mouthful of sandwich. Another thump to the middle of his back cleared the obstruction.

"You two did that on purpose, didn't you." He stated.

"Who, _moi_?" Fred and George pointed at each other and looked affronted at the accusation.

Harry snorted. "Meh, Dudley hits harder. I'll live." He waited until both of them wore horrified expressions on their faces before grinning and marking a tick in an imaginary win column. "Point to me, I think."

The twins giggled nervously with relief, grateful they hadn't overstepped the mark with their primary (only) investor. "Using past trauma to traumatise us, Harrykins?" Fred exclaimed.

"Full marks indeed." George patted his head condescendingly.

"We're so proud!" They finished together.

"Gits." Harry chuckled. "So, what's been going on? The order pulled me out of Privet Drive so fast, I puked. Why the general level of freaking out? What's Voldie done this time?" While he remembered what Remus and Tonks said earlier, he wanted to see if there was more information available.

Fred and George shared a sombre look between them. "We're not actually sure. The word up and down Diagon Alley hasn't been too clear."

"There's weird stuff afoot, but we can't make heads or tails of the rumours."

"Fred! George!" Molly shouted from the pantry. "No more. The headmaster will be returning soon. The Order will discus the situation then, while you kids stay upstairs." She directed that last comment directly at Harry. "Its nothing you need to worry yourself about."

"Oh yes, 'cause that's worked _so _well in the past." Harry grumbled as he got to his feet and brought his plate to the sink. "I'd best get upstairs then, seeing as how its getting crowded in here. Or is there a cupboard I could make do with, under the stairs." Throwing a gimlet eye at Mrs. Weasley, he turned and left the room.

As he passed out of earshot, he heard a sarcastic "Nice one, mum." from the twins.

-o-o-o-o-

"Tonks!" Harry shouted as he entered the living room and came up behind the young Auror. "I need a favour."

"Gaah!" Tonks, who had been deep into a discussion/flirting outrageously with Remus, jumped a foot in the air. Her hair also went bright red, before cascading through a multitude of colours as her heart rate returned to normal. "Damnit Harry, what'd you do that for! I nearly peed myself." She shouted as she spun around and glared at him.

"Um, constant vigilance?" Harry shrugged. "And it was funny."

Tonks' eyes enlarged and began to glow a fiery red. Her hair turned jet black, and began to writhe of its own accord. Her mouth stretched unnaturally wide, and sharp pointy teeth became visible, as she took a few steps forward and loomed over him, growling menacingly.

"Wow, that looks really cool." Harry commented, impressed.

"That's it? That's all the reaction I get?" She grumbled. "I've made grown aurors wet themselves with this." She pointed to her face.

"Meh." Harry shrugged. "Its spooky 'an all, but its not the worst thing I've ever seen up close."

"What?" A few people around the crowded living room exclaimed.

By now, Tonks had returned to her public face. "Oh really. Enlighten me, then."

"Lemme see…" Harry tapped his chin in thought. "Troll. Basilisk. Werewolf. Dementors, repeatedly. Acromantula. Nesting dragons. Voldemort, also repeatedly. Snape's underwear." He looked her in the eye. "Want me to go on? I've got heaps more, if you want."

"Is he shitting me?" Tonks looked over her shoulder at Remus. The rest of those present waited to see what the former defence professor would say.

Remus, for his part, had face palmed the moment Harry had started talking. "No."

"_oh_" Tonks squeaked. Turning back to Harry. "Right. Um. What did you want again?"

"I want to go to Gringotts to get some money for some new clothes. Now that I'm permanently free of the Dursleys, I thought I'd get some decent gear, now that they can't immediately burn it as soon as they see me in it. And since everyone seems to think that I'm made of glass, I figured I'd ask for an Auror escort. Plus, your not that much older than me, so your fashion-gland wouldn't have shrivelled up just yet."

Tonks looked at Harry with a raised eyebrow. "…sure."

"Really?" Harry blinked with surprise. "Just like that?"

"Just like that." She replied.

"Wow. All of a sudden you've become my favourite person." Harry grinned. "Gimme a tic, I've just got to go and grab something from my trunk." He spun around and raced up the stairs.

"_Tonks_…" Remus groaned.

"What? The look in his eye says that he was gonna go, whether we gave him permission or not." She raised an eyebrow at in his direction. "I'm just making sure that he has an escort when he does."

"But Dumbledore-" Someone said on the far side of he room.

"-to the best of my knowledge has no legal power over the kid, except when he's in Hogwarts during the year." Tonks finished. "If he wants to shop, I say let him."

Remus led her over to a corner by the arm and threw up a privacy charm. "Where is this attitude coming from, Tonks? You were happy to go along with Albus' order's before now. What's changed?"

Tonks exhaled loudly. "You saw the condition of that room those animals stuffed him in, Remus. Heck, you saw the condition _he _was in! For all intents and purposes, he was under bloody house arrest! And for what?" She poked him hard in the chest. "We have never been given a decent reason for it, other than he 'needs to be there for his own protection', and 'its for the greater good'. No details, just a bunch of empty platitudes. It's a load of _bollocks_, and you know it."

She stepped back. "So, if he wants to get away for a bit and do some shopping, I say let him. And, he's smart enough to realise that going alone would cause problems for him down the track, so he's asking for an escort. That he's asked the cutest Auror on the force is just a coincidence, I'm sure." She finished with an impish grin.

"I'm sure." Remus replied dryly. "You know they'll still have a go at you about being irresponsible, and not following Dumbledore's orders."

"Well, I haven't actually been given specific orders to confine Harry to the Burrow. And the weird stuff that's been happening, _hasn't _been happening anywhere near Diagon Alley. Nor Muggle London, which is where we'll probably end up, at some point. And even You-Know-Who avoids messing with the Goblins. So we should be more than safe tonight." She shrugged, before her expression hardened. "And if anyone tries to call me irresponsible, I'll open up a can of Mad-Eye's finest blend of Whup-Ass on 'em. I'm a bloody Auror, for Merlin's sake! If I've earned the right to wear that uniform, I can bloody well handle escorting a teenager shopping!"

"Alright. Alright." Remus said soothingly. "I'm on your side. I'm just saying, be prepared to face that when you return."

Tonks grunted as she dispelled the privacy charms. She then spotted Harry, who was waiting patiently for her. "Damn, you really do need a new wardrobe, don't you." She muttered as she took in his oversized shirt and jeans, shoes held together by gaffer-tape, and a jacket that had been repaired so many times, it looked more like a quilt.

"Uh-huh." Harry agreed, bouncing from foot to foot. "Lets get going before the headmaster shows up, and decides to chain me to something."

"Give my excuses for missing the meeting, won't you Remus." Tonks throws over her shoulder as she leads Harry out the front door.

"Mine too, Mooney." Harry added as he crossed the threshold.

The last thing Remus heard was Tonks asking when Harry ever had the misfortune to see Snape's underwear. Turning around, he finds that the rest of the people in the room are staring at him. "What?" He shrugged helplessly at them. "She's an Auror, and he's Harry Potter. It wouldn't be worth the spell damage to the Burrow to try and stop them."

-o-o-o-o-

Apparating them both into the Apparition point in Diagon Alley, Tonks pulled a grey cloak out of a bottomless pouch on her belt and wrapped it around Harry.

"No use inviting trouble if we don't need to." She stated as she pulled up the hood to cover his face.

"Thanks for this, Tonks." Harry said appreciatively.

"Not a problem." She replied. "How did you know that Gringotts would be open this late? Its not the sort of thing most wizards know."

"Well, between my second and third year, I was pretty much left to my own devices for about a month. I'd just fled the Dursley's due to a bit of accidental magic, so I stayed at the Leakey Cauldron until it was time to go back to Hogwarts. Everyone seemed to be okay with me exploring Diagon Alley without any real supervision, even with a nasty escaped convict roaming about." He shrugged. "Best time of my life, so far. No-one forcing me to do anything, or save anyone, or anything. No demands, or nagging, either. It was just me, and whatever took my fancy. I learnt more about the wizarding world in those few weeks than at any other time, before or since."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. The adults that run my life tend to treat me like a mushroom. Y'know, kept in the dark and fed crap until its time for me to fulfil my purpose."

"Damn, that's cynical." Tonks spared him a sidelong glance.

"That's my life." Harry sighed. "Anyway, one of the things I found out was that Gringotts never really shuts. They just have busy times and _less_-busy times."

"True. Comes in handy if you've forgot to do the shopping, _and _haven't got any galleons on you, _and _you want some takeaway to eat after finishing a killer graveyard shift."

By this time, they had arrived at the entrance to the bank. Quickly finding a teller, Harry asked to be taken to his trust vault. As they walked to the subterranean railway tracks, Harry asked if the Goblins sold money pouches, and if so, what sort of features could be charmed onto them.

"Why are you after something like that, Harry?" Tonks asked. "You can pick up something like that in a few places in Diagon Alley. No offence." She said to the Goblin leading them, who scowled at her.

"Well, I'm about to spend a lot of money in and out of the magical world, so if I can get some sort of bottomless pouch that I can put both Galleons and Pounds into, great. And I'm guessing that Gringotts would have the better security features on theirs. Or at least the nastier ones." The disturbing grin now on the goblin's face led him to believe that he was spot on with that assumption.

"Fair enough." Tonks allowed.

"Indeed we do, Mister Potter." the goblin finally spoke. "If you wish, we can stop in here and you can choose one before we head down to your vault." He gestured to a doorway just before the entrance to the tracks.

-o-o-o-o-

After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, Harry eventually bought a wide strapped shoulder pouch, made of dragon hide, that had four bottomless compartments in it. It was charmed to be weightless, fairly damage-resistant, fire-resistant, and any other -resistant he could think of. Plus a few anti-theft surprises. It also would not open to anyone but him. It cost a fair bit, but Harry figured it was worth it, seeing as how it would probably last a lifetime.

Longer than _his _lifetime, at any rate.

Tonks suggested that he get the Potter crest embossed on the flap, so it would be easier to identify. Harry surprised both her and the Goblin by not knowing what the Potter crest looked like.

Finally, they got down to Harry's trust vault. Scooping Galleons, Sickles and Knuts into one of the pouch compartments until his arms got tired, he eventually slung it over his shoulder and exited the vault, grabbing a stunned Tonks on his way out.

She finally shook off her shock halfway back to the surface. "Damn, that was a lot of gold." She muttered.

"Yup." Harry agreed.

"You took a lot out of there. Aren't you worried about not having enough to pay for Hogwarts, or anything?"

"Nup." He shook his head. "It refills every year."

She blinked at that. "From where?"

"Dunno."

"You don't know?"

"Nup. I've asked, too. But no-one will say anything until I'm older."

She looked at him, shocked.

Harry gave her a sad grin. "Mushroom, remember. To be kept in the dark at all times."

-o-o-o-o-

Back in the foyer, Harry exchanged a lot of Galleons for an obscene amount of money. Stuffing that into another compartment, he was finally ready to leave. Pulling up the hood of his cloak as they left the bank, he asked Tonks if she wanted to eat before or after they went shopping.

"Well, Madame Malkins and Gladrags are both shut, this late in the evening, so I'm guessing we'll be going shopping in muggle London, right?" Harry nodded. "Well, lets eat first, then. The shops on that side of the Leakey Cauldron will be open for a while yet."

-o-o-o-o-

After a filling meal, Tonks dragged Harry through several department stores, ploughing a mighty swathe through quite a few menswear sections, as well as Harry's supply of cash. He was quite happy for his companion to take the lead in selecting his outfits, though he did insist on getting himself a heavy trench coat, 'cause he thought it looked cool.

Having dressed himself in some of his purchases, and shrinking and shoving the rest into the third compartment of his shoulder pouch, they finally headed back to the Leakey Cauldron. Tonks bought them both a butterbeer, before leading them through the hidden brick entrance to Diagon Alley.

"Hnh. I remember it being busier at this time of night, when I stayed here a couple of years ago." Harry commented as they walked up the nearly deserted alley.

"Yeah, well, You-Know-Who wasn't back yet then, was he?" Tonks grunted.

"I s'pose." Harry replied softly as they passed the entrance to Knockturn Alley. Even at night, the light from the street lanterns seemed to be that bit more reluctant to shine in that particular direction.

"C'mon. Lets get back to the Burrow so we can catch Molly's rant. She should have built up a good head of steam by now."

Harry snorted. "Why? She going to start without us?"

"True." Tonks giggled as she reached out to grab Harry's arm. With a double twist of magic, they Apparated away.

-o-o-o-o-

One prolonged twisting sensation later, Harry and Tonks were at the border of the Weasley lands.

"Damn, apparating really does suck as a way to travel." Harry groaned as he shook his head to clear it. When his companion didn't utter a smart-arse remark at his discomfort, he looked at the young Auror. She was staring straight ahead with a rapidly paling expression. "What?" He followed her line of sight to the Burrow.

It was in flames, with bodies strewn about the front yard.

"Oh shit."

**-End of Chapter-**


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